I am insecure about my body. My thighs touch, my stomach isn’t in the best shape, my boobs aren’t the biggest ones in the world and my facial structure isn’t the prettiest one out there. 

What else can I say? Tear myself down some more? I know that fat comes because how much you eat, but I love to eat food. What’s so wrong with that? 

Sigh. Never good enough. 

• Smoking

Yeah. I’ve done it, but I’m not like those people who do it because they were pressured. I didn’t do it because I was at a party or with some friends and everyone was doing it. My first time was an emotional reason. Before, my family wasn’t connected. My parents would always go to the casino and when they come home, they yell at me because the house is “out of order”. I have two brothers to take care of, stubborn ones at that. I had homework to work on and I had a life. I always had plans, yet I cancel because my parents would say they would be home at a certain time and they never do. Being the big sister I am, I stayed home to watch my brothers and my parents would try to make it up to me the very next day. Anyway, I smoked because I got tired of. I got tired of their excuses, their yelling, their broken promises, their empty words. I smoked my first cigarette when they were in the casino and I was suppose to go to my best friend’s brother’s birthday party during the summer of ‘10. It was a relief. Crying and smoking. I felt like every ounce of my soul was out of my physical self. I didn’t stop from there. I didn’t do it daily, I didn’t want to become addicted like my fellow friends so I did it now and then. I quit when I came to Japan.

• Drinking

Okay, this was the pressured one. My parents would always throw parties and this one party for my mom, this girl that was the daughter of my mom’s co-worker went and we befriended each other. She went inside my room and had a drink. I asked her what she was drinking and she said, Coke. Gullible me, I said oh okay. Later on, she told me it really wasn’t. There was something else in it. She asked me if I wanted some? Mm, I said yeah…. haha. I started drinking for fun, had drink ups with friends at my house, yknow. When I drink alone, I would be sad. It takes the sadness out of me too.

• Cutting

I don’t remember getting the idea from anyone. I did it in the spare of the moment. 6th grade is when I started. My mom was out of control. She could never understand me, (Notice how it always has to do with my parents). But she pissed me off half the time I was with her and the other half I just stood quiet. We could never have a compromise and it would end up in a physical fight. There was one night, I had a knife in my room? loool I think it was that. But I started cutting myself and since then, I never looked back. I never showed anyone, they would see it. I told Romelyne and Cody about it. They try to stop me, they try to help me, they get mad when they know I have a new cut. I remember they would literally count it to see if I have any new ones. They would hug me tight and tell me I’m not alone. That they’re there for me. I did not stop because of them. I stopped because of my friend, Benji Goniea. He has a little brother, I called him one night and vented to him and he didn’t sound himself. I asked him what’s wrong and he said his brother ran away. We went into a conversation about how I’m cutting myself and how I want to run away and he never asks for anything, but I can hear the sadness in his voice, “Deanna, please stop. I’m not asking you to do this for yourself, I’m asking you to do it for your mom. Your friends that care for you, me especially. You think you’re hurting yourself? You’re hurting everyone around you that care. So please, promise me. Stop.” I cried that night and I told him, I’ll try. I did try, I stopped for 9 months and I stopped talking to him within those 9 months and I did it again. One reason was caused by my mom again. This one day, my mom saw my cuts. We were fighting. Did she take me to the hospital? Did she care what I was doing? No. Keep doing it! No one cares about you. You think I care? You’re just a stupid person who doesn’t know how to live her own life. Hahahhahahahaha. oh how I wanted to kill myself. I went into my room that night and cut deep through my wrist. Nah, I didn’t cut my vain. I’m happy I didn’t, but yea. Another reason is my ex boyfriend. Sounds silly, I regret doing it, but it’s like… I went into deep depression. Really. I got tired of crying every night, I got tired of him liking my own best friend, I got tired of giving up myself to him hoping he’ll love me, but he didn’t. No one will understand how much hell I went through.

All in all, I’m a better person now. I don’t think about my past, I don’t tell anyone about my past because I feel as if I will get judged. Yet, I’m saying this now because I want to be remembered of why I’m surviving right now. I want to remember why I should be having a better life now. I want to remember why I should be at a happier state than I ever will be in.

It’s a note to everyone: Life will get better. Life will always get better and if it doesn’t, then it certainly isn’t the end.

meeliissaa:

On February 21, 2011 I told you I liked you. I remember everything that happened that day. My best friend and I went to the park to work out. We always talked and texted and were able to just talk about anything, it kind of became a routine. I had these really odd and weird confusing feelings. I thought that we were becoming best friends until I realized you made me smile in a different way than a friend would make me smile. I wanted to tell you on the phone but I ended up texting it to you. You told me you thought it was cute and you’d get back to me on it and you continued talking to me as if what I said didn’t ever happened. That honestly broke my heart a smidge, haha. I have such a big and dramatic imagination. You know how in movies when you told someone you’re feelings they looked all shocked and would say “I LIKE YOU TOO” I was expecting that you’d do the same, I didn’t get anything from you. I just felt so stupid because you said you knew.

You’ve done things to me that seriously go down in history for the things that irritated and pissed me off the most in my entire life. You told me things but never really showed me. It broke my heart sometimes, I tried so hard to get you to see that I could treat you right, that not everyone is out there to get you. You’d tell me about all the people who broke your heart and I clearly remember sitting there and thinking “I’m going to change that.”

You are one of the most complicated people I’ve ever met, notice how I didn’t say “were” instead of “are” Although I feel I understand and know you quite a bit (that took forever, we had so many fights because of it) you’ll always be a mystery to me. I think that’s what I found so interesting about you. All the people I dated I eventually got settled and learned everything and anything there is to know. With you there were always things to talk about, things to learn about you. It’s hard to explain really, I felt we were comfortable but those butterfly feelings never left.

You have the ability to make me mad more than anyone, but at the same time you can make me the happiest

There is just something I find so fascinating about you, many things actually. I’ll name a few just because I know you’d like to know. I love how every time you get so mad at me and say you want me out your life and all that bad stuff I know that isn’t what you want, that you just want the situation to go away. I love how friendly you are, I envy it, it’s so hard for me to make friends. I love how you complain about your life, specifically the people, and when you say you want nothing to do with these people, that you don’t even know why you’re trying, I can hear that passion and love you have for those people in your voice. I love your laugh too, it makes me smile. I love when you tell me the things you only tell a few people, I love the way you say it and how you weren’t scared for me to know everything about you, that you trusted me. I love the way you care about people in a way that isn’t common, but in a way that’s more caring than most people I know. I remember once you said you had this bet with your uncle that you’d have the better house and car than him someday, that you’re going to be successful, and I have no doubts about your success. I especially have no doubts about your happiness either, you say how you’re not happy all the time, but I know you’ll eventually get to that state, and I hope I’m able to witness it.

Although we were on and off, and we did go through some rough times I don’t regret any of it all. I’m really glad we’re still friends too. You’ll always have a special place in my heart, we just connect really well and it’s so hard to find that with people. Thanks for always being there, for listening and just being you, and for continuing to do that.

I feel what I just said wasn’t enough at all, there aren’t enough words or the perfect words to comprehend what I felt, and what we went through, only us can understand.

You’re beautiful. She’s amazing. Anyone would be lucky to have you, I hope they’ll know that.

I’ll just leave this here.

jesssicasaurus:

That way, I wouldn’t have to worry as much. I’m insecure of the way I look. Sometimes, even embarrassed. I don’t have big boobs, my stomach isn’t flat and my thighs touch. When I go shopping, I have to be extra careful with the things I buy because of the fact that when it’s on me, it doesn’t look all that great as I imagined it to be. I’m not “naturally beautiful” like all these girls I see. I’m jealous of the bodies that they have. Sometimes, I wish I was just as beautiful as her. But then again, I’m me. 

this.